Some days, I wake up already tired of being strong.
My body needs attention before my mind catches up. Pain, stiffness, spasms, skin checks, medications, and the constant awareness of what can go wrong hits me before breakfast. Things that used to be automatic now require planning, patience, and energy I do not always have.
There are mornings I feel the grief rise as I stare at the ceiling. Not just brief for what happened, but grief for the version of myself who did not have to think about every moment, every transfer, every symptom, every risk. On bad days, I am fighting fear, frustration, fatigue, and the pressure to prove that I’m OK.
And some days I am not OK.
Life before spinal cord injury
Before my spinal cord injury, I moved through life without realizing how much I took for granted. I did not wake up thinking about transfers, medications, skin checks, pain levels, or how much my body would cooperate throughout the day. I made plans. I went places. I trusted my body to carry me through ordinary moments without needing permission, equipment, or a backup plan.
I had a marriage, a full-time job, hobbies, and the routine. I was healthy. I worked out and enjoy the outdoors.
Looking back, that version of life seems both familiar and far away. I remember the freedom of doing things without calculating every step. I remember the confidence of moving without fear. I remember the simple confidence of taking care of my own body without it becoming a medical routine. At the time, I did not know those things were privileges. They were just life.
A spinal cord injury not only changes on the way you move. It changes the relationship you have with your body. It changes time, independence, confidence, and the way you see the world around you. Every day life feels like a negotiation what you want to do, what your body allows you to do, and what you need to do to stay healthy.
The person I was before the injury is still part of me. But after everything changed, I had to learn how to carry that person with me while becoming something new.
As each year passes post injury, I have gained more confidence in who I am. The old Howard is not dead. He has evolved and adapted to this new life. I have learned through trial and error. My body has gradually gotten stronger so the bad days are not as prominent.
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