Being paralyzed in in a wheelchair, I struggle with feelings of being less than whole. I felt very self-conscious in a wheelchair, being inferior and a lot of shame. My self-esteem was in shambles and lost my self identity. I was consumed about my shortcomings and was very self critical. There was more to achieve in life both professionally and personally. My life was over.
Rebuilding my life goes brick by brick physically and mentally. It was two steps forward three steps back the first three years. The setbacks seemed endless. The extreme muscle tone and rigidity, baclofen pump, psychosis, UTI’s, kidney stones, drastic cutbacks in the auto no fault laws, ileostomy surgery, etc. I’ve lost count on the number of surgeries and procedures done. The Botox is wearing off and my left elbow is very stiff and painful. I use this arm for driving with the joystick. My upper back, shoulders, and neck are stiff and sore. My aunt Bess pays a massage therapist to work on me monthly, which helps my muscles.
Life has stabilized a bit these past several months (knock on wood). My health has improved though the tone and spasticity still grips my body. My housing situation isn’t ideal but is stable. I’m gaining more independence by getting out into the community more. And volunteering is a stepping stone in developing a sense of purpose.
Things are more stable mentally. I haven’t had suicidal thoughts in the past six months. Depression still hits hard, particularly at night which affects my sleep. I ruminate about the past and feel sad about things I can no longer do. I still get spooked easily with sudden motion or when somebody approaches me unexpectedly.
So what is next? There are kidney stones brewing and need to be surgically removed eventually. I’ll continue volunteering with the hope of being a part time therapist again. Then increase my community activities.
Leave a Reply