Howard Falkinburg

I was inadvertently placed into a role of a Parental Guidance counselor recently. It’s hard for me not to put my social work hat on. I was talking with a residential staff who confided that her 10 year relationship with her partner recently ended. She has primary custody of their daughter who is in first grade.

She confided in the difficulty of being a single parent, which I validated. Her daughter is smart and also a perfectionist. She gets easily frustrated and “gets stuck inside her head” when she can’t solve her problem.

Mom, who I suspect has had a hard life, didn’t want to sugarcoat what daughter’s life will be like.

“You will fail at everything. The trick is to grow from the experience.”

Oof, I thought this woman is inadvertently traumatizing and prepping this girl for a lifelong anxiety disorder.

“I wouldn’t look at this problem in such a black or white angle. This is more of a problem to be solved. I would use a softer word than fail.”

That’s a good idea,” she said. ”What word would you use?”

I drew a blank on a word that fit so a fired up Safari search on my phone. Thesaurus.com wasn’t helpful (abort, abolish) so we did a brainstorming session.

And I had an epiphany.

”Puzzle!”

I suggested she encourage her daughter to look at problems as a puzzle to be solved. I used an example of a jigsaw puzzle. Most times you have to search for the right piece to fit. It didn’t mean she failed on her initial attempt.

She agreed that the puzzle analogy was a better approach than the all or nothing ’fail’. 

I can empathize with this woman to a certain degree. I get caught up on self-defeating statements.

I just want to be good at one thing in my life!

My best days are behind me.

You’re such a loser.

These usually happen either in the heat of competition or just having a bad day. The emotions attached to the statements are anger or sadness.

I rarely attached these thoughts or feelings to other people. Primarily to myself. What do I do about them?

Sometimes nothing.

I just want to stay angry or sad. The emotions eventually pass.

My healthier route is to acknowledge the emotions but not necessarily the self-defeating statements with it.

• What would I tell a friend or client?
• Change my critical self talk to a more balanced and accurate thought.
• Talk with a friend or residential staff.
• Watching TV.

I’m curious on how others deal with their own self-defeating behaviors. Please share.